Patrick Webster at UC Santa Cruz Long Marine Lab, CA-- Hi everybody! Welcome to The Smelly Show! My name is Jon Sealwart and… "Applause" Thank you, thank you. Oh come on now, thank you, you're very kind. I guess this what happens when you spike the calamartinis. Thank you. For those of you at home, that was just the beach sneezing… They're not happy to be here, just congested. OK.

We have a great show for you tonight. The former press secretary of the Alpha Male of Año Nuevo State Reserve, Penelope Seal will be here! Yes, we'll be able to ask her just how well our good friend Stelephant Colbert has settled into his new position of Beachmeister, and whether he's more active mating or sleeping. BOOM! ZING!

Oh now, we're just kidding around, we love Stelephant and wish him well with his harem. Lord knows I can only handle my one or two stolen wives (sorry Colbert, you were sleeping), let alone 60. It doesn't seem so long ago that Stelephant was just a young super-weaner on this show, using his boyish good looks and impressive belching range to ask everyone and anything for more milk. I'd tip my hat to him, but my flippers don't reach that far.
Speaking of hats, you may have seen some pictures of me with a snazzy little tag on my head floating around on the interwebs. I have to thank US Weekly’s celebrity seal edition for the exposure on that one.

I’m pleased to announce though that I am now part of a larger scientific experiment. Unwittingly, I became a part of the 2nd annual Elephant Seal Homecoming Days put on by www.TOPP.org. They basically take advantage of the fact that we come back to the same beaches every year to breed and molt, making us e-seals great subjects for research. And I thought every episode of “House” was predictable. But with this research in mind, I would like to meet the TOPP researchers at Camera 3.

Hello TOPP researchers. I must say, touché. I was out on the beach, “chilling” as they do in California, when out of nowhere a group of your TOPP biologists pegged me with some valium. Normally, I'd be mad, but this time I'll let it slide… mostly because you're gone now, and I was flying too high to care at the time. I never thought I’d see the world from a seagull’s point of view, weighing a few tons and all, so thank you for that. But anyways, there I was, enjoying the early morning air, every 30 minutes mind you, I've got a bad case of sleep apnea (sure it keeps the wives up at night, but I’m a diving mammal for Pete’s sake) when I was outfitted with this nifty satellite tag, a time depth recorder and a radio tag.

Apparently, when I go back out to sea (after my productive sleeping season), you TOPP researchers will use the information gathered to piece together a better image of the North Pacific habitat, one of the most obscure places in the world. Even more obscure than the darkness found within a room Dick Cheney has just entered. You'll also use my migration patterns and diving performance (average) to learn more about the mysterious species that are late night cable talk show hosts, and man, you sure have your work cut out for you. I’d help, but without opposable thumbs and an inclination to sleep on topp (hehehe) of you, you’ll understand if I don’t oblige.

I hear TOPP biologists will also be updating their fantastic website, www.TOPP.org. The E-Seal Team over there has many blogs, images and videos for your enjoyment, and you can even follow my trail all the way back to the beach. My trail has many dives and peaks, much like our current economy (going through hopetroscopic surgery at the moment), and the flight path for Cheney’s Star Destroyer. So thank you TOPP biologists, for furthering human knowledge and our understanding of the world’s oceans. Maybe next time, try to get a bit less epoxy in the hair.

We'll be right back.

The views expressed in this transcript are those of Jon Sealwart, and are not shared by TOPP.org or any of their associates.