Erin Pickett at Año Nuevo State Reserve, CA-- The E Seal team at Ano isn't so sure about Jon's future as an alpha, or a beta for that matter. Come to think of it, if the hierarchy of male elephant seals were classified to go lower, Jon would be lower than that.  Recently, he hasn't even been spotted sleeping with other losers. Instead he rests completely alone amidst sand, driftwood, and the occasional smudge of seagull poop. It's almost as if he was called hideous on national TV. Oh wait! That was Stelephant...

Sealwart is seen resting here with no other seals in sight. Photo: Nicole Teutschel

Jon seems to be perfecting the already Zen-like state of a seal during the breeding season. When they're not nursing pups or spreading those hideous seal genes- they’re sleeping. Eight months in the North Pacific can wear a seal out. Loser males are especially lazy given the fact they've seem to have given up on their hope of defeating an alpha and having a harem of their own. Only about 10% of male elephant seals have a chance to mate- maybe Jon has accepted this fact.

There could be a plethora of scientific reasons Jon may never be an alpha, but it's probably because Stelephant Colbert has 1,009 friends on facebook and Jon ONLY has 485 friends. Someone should do a study about the effects that facebook and national publicity have on seal morale. It's not clear whether Jon is a loser (and has no friends) because he hasn't been on TV yet OR whether he hasn't been on TV because he is a loser (and has no friends). Jon Stewart, can you help a seal out? Sure it might take some creative writing to make a two-ton beast that sleeps twenty-three hours a day interesting, but there MUST be something.

Look at this guy, he's exciting!! Photo: Jason Hassrick

He's cute too! Photo: Jason Hassrick

If Jon continues his existence as a loser, not only will he not mate, but he will never have his own fan group and will never go back to sea and brag like Stelephant about all of the exciting stories that were written about him, all of the people that celebrated his birthday and all of the females that swarmed to his harem after he became an icon. He will only dream for now, and being an elephant seal, this will come easily.

Jon Sealwart is a part of Elephant Seal Homecoming Days! Learn more.